The Bestest Top 100 Games Ever List Ever In The Whole Wide World

Okay, let's do this. You know the rules, you know the guidelines, you know what got snubbed, so here's your list. Counting down from 100:

100: Gunstar Heroes, Sega Genesis
99: Halo: Combat Evolved, Xbox (bite me, fanboys)
98: Sam and Max Hit the Road, PC (at least it made the list, people)
97: Sonic 2, Sega Genesis (epitome of the Sonic franchise. If you disagree, replace with your preferred Genesis Sonic title. Originally Sonic 3 until I remembered that goddamn drum in Carnival Night Zone Act 2.)
96: Soul Reaver, PS1
95: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, Multiplatform
94: NIGHTS Into Dreams, Sega Saturn
93: Rome: Total War, PC (had it looked like Civilization, it wouldn't have been listed)
92: Myst, PC (too passive to climb any higher)
91: Marble Madness, Multiplatform (how it misses every Top 100 list I see is beyond me)
90: Final Fantasy X, PS2
89: Castlevania 3: Dracula's Curse, NES
88: Grim Fandango, PC
87: Final Fantasy 2/IV, SNES
86: NHL '94, Multiplatform (sports simulation at its peak)
85: Golden Axe, Sega Master System (it was either this or some random Dynasty Warriors game; Golden Axe won on chronological consideration)
84: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, PS2
83: Panzer Dragoon Saga, Sega Saturn
82: Lumines, Sony PSP (I figure in five years you'll be thinking this as well, maybe higher)
81: F-Zero GX, Gamecube (would have gone higher except for the unholy difficulty level; too high of a barrier of entry)
80: Capcom vs. SNK, Sega Dreamcast
79: Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, SNES
78: Defender, Arcade
77: Mortal Kombat 2, Sega Genesis (what MK1 should have been)
76: Ms. Pac-Man, Arcade (the map variety and increased difficulty pushed it in over Pac-Man Original)
75: Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, PS1
74: Super Baseball Simulator 1.000, SNES (why don't more sports games act like this?)
73: Contra, NES (up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start= 30 extra spots on the list)
72: Rez, PS1
71: Soul Calibur, Sega Dreamcast
70: X-COM: UFO Defense, PC
69: Psychonauts, Multiplatform
68: Secret of Mana, SNES
67: Asteroids, Atari 2600
66: Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem, Gamecube
65: Plamescape: Torment, PC (I think I gave this one a bit too much credit)
64: Super Dodge Ball, NES (should maybe even go a few spots higher)
63: Legend of Zelda, NES
62: Centipede, Arcade
61: Ico, PS2
60: Beyond Good and Evil, Multiplatform (may be high, but when a game is your all-time favorite, it's getting on the list whether anyone else likes it or not)
59: Super Mario 64, N64
58: R-Type, Sega Master System
57: Half-Life 2, PC
56: Space Invaders, Arcade
55: Star Wars: TIE Fighter Collector's CD-ROM, PC (you knew it was on here somewhere, but too fanboyish to get any higher)
54: Kirby Super Star, SNES (you knew Kirby was making this list somewhere too)
53: Burnout 3: Takedown, Multiplatform (I like boom)
52: Bionic Commando, NES (don't know anything about it, but from what I hear...)
51: Frogger, Multiplatform
50: Jet Grind Radio, Sega Dreamcast
49: God of War, PS2
48: Virtua Fighter 4: Evolution, PS2 (may have lowballed this one)
47: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Multiplatform
46: Pole Position, Arcade
45: Unreal Tournament, PC
44: Prince of Persia, Multiplatform
43: Dr. Mario, NES
42: River City Ransom, NES
41: Starsiege: Tribes, PC (64 people in one match= good times)
40: SSX3, Multiplatform (when EA Big got the music, attitude, graphics and gameplay fused together perfectly)
39: The Secret of Monkey Island, PC
38: Final Fantasy VII, PS1 (included as required by law)
37: Diablo 2, PC (I'm just not feeling Diablo as much as everyone)
36: Pitfall, Atari 2600
35: Super Mario Bros., NES (brought us the speed run)
34: Resident Evil 4, Multiplatform (watch out for those cutscenes)
33: Super Mario Kart, SNES
32: Katamari Damacy, PS2 (kept from higher positions by the 'roll up exactly one of this' levels)
31: Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn, PC
30: Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts, SNES
29: Civilization 2, PC (doesn't every non-space RTS look like Civilization when you get right down to it?)
28: Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando, PS2
27: Goldeneye 007, N64 (didn't age well, but we're not worried about that)
26: Super Metroid, SNES
25: Halo 2, Xbox (Only 25. You heard me, fanboys. It's great, but not as great as you all think.)
24: Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, SNES (the casual gamer's RPG)
23: Breakout, Multiplatform (you disagree? Then why all the Breakout clones?)
22: Chrono Trigger, SNES
21: SimCity 2000, Multiplatform
20: World of Warcraft, PC (got the clone-heavy MMORPG right)
19: Tetris Attack, SNES
18: Silent Hill, PS1 (scariest game ever, tops the survival-horror genre)
17: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, N64
16: Bejeweled, PC (Internet Tetris)
15: Starcraft, PC (iffy on this one, may have put it too far down)
14: Metal Gear Solid, PS1
13: Age of Empires 2: The Age of Kings, PC (it's this, Civilization, and then everybody else in the RTS genre)
12: WarioWare Inc.: Mega MicroGame$, GBA (who needs a plot?)
11: Super Mario World, SNES
10: Final Fantasy 3/VI, SNES (some FF was getting top 10, and I was originally going to say VII because I don't know any better, but evidently the fanboys like this one more)
9: Mega Man 2, NES
8: Legend of Zelda: A Link To the Past, SNES
7: Counter-Strike, PC
6: Super Smash Bros. Melee, Gamecube (gaming's All-Star Game)
5: Dance Dance Revolution, Arcade (I stress ARCADE; not nearly as fun on consoles)
4: Grand Theft Auto 3, Multiplatform (linearity's for suckers)
3: The Sims, PC
2: Tetris, Multiplatform (timeless)
1: Super Mario Bros. 3, NES (how could you not put SMB3 at the top?)

And there you have it. My list may be wrong, but it's less wrong than usual.

Best Games Ever List #9324246- Specifically, What's Not On It

As I said, 100 means 100. Games had to get bounced. Unlike all the other Top 100 Games lists, I'm actually going to tell you what I considered but didn't include. We're going to do this in order, from Last Game Out at the top to Barely A Second Thought at the bottom. The games that DIDN'T make the list, with some games getting explanations as to why...

*Half-Life, PC (last game out)
*Mega Man 3, NES (too derivative of MM2, like all NES Mega Man titles)
*Galaga, Arcade
*Dune 2: The Building of a Dynasty, PC (oops, didn't pay my spice this month- holy moley, I got killed?! Screw this)
*Yar's Revenge, Atari 2600
*Ultima 7: The Black Gate, PC (geeky PC games only get so far; only hardcore gamers would be interested)
*Marathon, PC (ran out of room; would possibly win the Gaming NIT)
*Donkey Kong Country, SNES (badly-spaced save points- for example, three, four levels in the Mountains of Oh My God This Is Hard without an airport or save house)
*Tecmo Super Bowl, NES (no Bo)
*Bomberman, NES
*Combat, Atari 2600 (one more map and it'd have made it)
*Gran Turismo 3: A-Spec, PS2 (yes, there's a Top 100 list without Gran Turismo. Simulation isn't everything, gang. The License Tests had to go and the game needed to at least show how to find the best line- if not show them, show how to spot them yourself)
*Paper Mario, N64
*Mortal Kombat, Sega Genesis (MK2 was much better)
*Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle, PC (was originally on, but as I plugged in more games it slid off the bottom)
*Kaboom!, Atari 2600 (you have no idea how much I hoped this one would survive the cut)
*Star Wars Episode 1: Racer, Multiplatform
*Samurai Showdown, Multiplatform (SNK got some serious lobbying from my subconsious, but I could only place a couple when I got right down to it, and it PAINED me)
*Nintendo World Cup, Multiplatform
*NBA Live '95, Multiplatform
*Homeworld, PC
*Deus Ex, PC (I know this one gets some mention, but I can't get it on the list)
*Pong, Atari 2600 (did get considered seriously, but at some point technology just catches up with you)
*Rayman 2: The Great Escape, Multiplatform
*Street Fighter 2, Multiplatform (the word for today is 'overrated')
*Black and White, PC
*Doom, PC
*WarioWare: Twisted!, GBA (distilled fun like its daddy, but not distilled enough)
*Crash Bandicoot, PS1
*Outrun, Arcade (one track, albeit a large, branching one, just isn't going to do it)
*Star Wars, Arcade
*Command & Conquer: Red Alert, PC
*Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!, NES (had Tyson been, you know, beatable...)
*Tony Hawk's Underground, Multiplatform
*Battletoads, NES (too hard for its own good)
*Syndicate, PC
*Thief 2: The Metal Age, PC
*Rampage, Arcade (a versus mode might have been enough)
*Advance Wars, GBA
*Metroid Prime, Gamecube
*Madden NFL 2004, Multiplatform (I had to consider A Madden game)
*Bust-A-Move, SNES
*Dragon Warrior, NES (thou art dead)
*Pokemon Red/Blue, Game Boy (though if I were going solely on my opinion, Pokemon Snap would be in this space instead)
*Sid Meier's Pirates, PC (meh)
*MechWarrior 2: 31st Century Combat, PC
*Crimson Skies, PC
*Wasteland, Multiplatform
*Baseball Stars, NES (another SNK casualty- they made GOOD games, fun ones, but never really had the huge breakout)
*Populous, Multiplatform
*M.U.L.E., Multiplatform (sorry, guys, just nowhere to put it)
*Base Wars, NES (the fielding killed it)
*Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six, PC
*Quake 2, PC
*Duke Nukem 3D, PC
*Shining Force 2, Sega Genesis
*Blackthorne, Sega 32X (only really considered because I wanted to take in as many consoles as I could)
*Fallout, PC

And that takes care of the stuff that didn't make it. Soon I'll get to what did.

Another Damn Greatest Games Ever List- Prelude

Every so often, some gaming publication or another puts together a 'Top 100 Games Of All-Time' list. And every time, they screw it up. And not just the kind of screw-up where you have a cluster of games near the bottom replacing some deserving games that would go near the bottom. And there are several games that could legitimately lay claim to the #1 spot.

The thing is, games like Mega Man 2 or Marble Madness, get left out. Games like Halo 2 and Resident Evil 4 take top honors. And the lists tend to skew towards the last few years. And there's never any mention of the also-rans. No way to tell who got considered but dropped.

So I'll take a shot at it. There's really no way to tell how our Random Humans Running for President will come out of the Rita/Katrina thing, so we'll hold off for now on that. Here are my ground rules:

1. Older games have been given the appropriate amount of chronological leeway. It's not fair to rank GTA: Vice City above GTA3 just because advanced technical capability allows GTA:VC to be a bigger and better title. In a vaccum, if you were to play them both today, Vice City wins. But this is not a vaccum. (San Andreas fell out of consideration entirely after the Hot Coffee thing. Don't bother looking for it.)
2. Hype is thrown out the window. Halo 2 is not making the top 20 just because the Xbox fanboys like it. They may have overrun G-Phoria, but they're not overrunning me. They are where they are. (And you're going to have a shit hemmhorage when you see where Halo 1 winds up.)
3. I know that some people can't compare genres because the games are so functionally different. Well, if ESPN can compare Jordan to Ruth in Sportscentury, we can compare Mario to Mortal Kombat to Metal Gear. It's a gamer's equivalent of a barroom argument- ultimately pretty pointless, but lively debate, no one right answer, and ultimately a worthwhile exercise.
4. 'Multiplatform' includes any two platforms. PC is a platform. Neo Geo is a platform. Arcade is a platform. If you only see one platform, it either means it was only available on one, or the other platform versions were really bad and not even in the same league.
5. It's 100. Games have to be left out. I've seen these lists before and if you were to take all the games that deserve spots and are on, and add in all the games that got 'snubbed', you're going to wind up way beyond capacity. Understand that eventually there's got to be a cutoff. For that reason, in addition to the top 100, I'll also name the games that I considered but placed below the cutoff.
6. Importance sometimes intersects with quality. (This is not the same as hype.) If a decent game is innovative or influential, it might get a boost from people. This is reflected in my rankings and helps explain the absence of several titles such as Ultima 7, Thief 2, MechWarrior 2, Syndicate and Dune 2. Those are titles that the hardcore gamers would rank highly, but really, how many non-hardcore gamers even know of those titles?
7. My notes are more afterthoughts than anything else and not given for all titles. You're lucky to get any at all.
8. I don't know all the titles offhand; had to do a little looking to find out about some of them. So give me a break here.

A bit later, we'll get into the games that didn't make the cut.

Tom Tancredo Revisited

Back in July, I blogged what I thought of Tom Tancredo's chances as our first Random Human Running For President. To save you the click, I basically said he's a single-issue wackjob who has no chance whatsoever.

He now has even less chance of winning. The Rocky Mountain News reports that Tancredo has asked that Louisiana not be sent federal aid for Hurricane Katrina because he figures the state and local officials are too corrupt to handle it. In response, I offer this:

AN OPEN LETTER TO TOM TANCREDO (R-CO)

Dear Congressman Tancredo:

Fuck off.

Sincerely,

Aaron Allermann

They Are The News, They Are The Pundits

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, George W. Bush is facing one of the largest crises in American history. And with Chief Justice of the Supreme Court William Rehnquist now dead, that only make matters worse. What to do? How much attention to focus on each? It's a very tragic sight.

...Yes, the Katrina survivors are a sad sight right now too, but I didn't mean them. I meant the news media. With Katrina and now Rehnquist, they'll be pulling all-nighters for days, maybe weeks. What gets the lead? How much to focus on each? What about John Roberts and gas prices, and anything else that may come down the pike?

That's why I'm announcing the creation of the Journalist Relief Fund. Yes, for just $80 a day, you can help give our brave reporters the hair care products they require every day, access to the AP and Reuters newswires, and a shelter (okay, a 4-star hotel) to keep them warm at night.

Look at this tragic figure...
He's on a major news outlet, in the huge, unforgiving city portrayed in that fake skyline behind him, and he can't afford the shave, laser eye surgery, and lobotomy he so desperately needs. Just $80 a day can help with the down payments.

Yes, it will be a trying time for these poor sleepless reporters. But with enough help, maybe someday they can settle down and get back to their normal existence, and maybe, just maybe, they'll find Natalie Holloway.

And The Babies He Doesn't Eat, Skip Bayless Ritually Slaughters

This morning on Cold Pizza:

*Miles Brand, NCAA President, has said that the NCAA would be lenient in its rules when dealing with aid to students affected by Katrina.
*Skip Bayless used, among other things, the term "Pandora's Box", because of COURSE you have to be hardassed. The costliest hurricane in American history, ha! Like that's any excuse.
*Woody Paige audibly groaned and buried his face in his hands, like, did this guy get born to someone or did he spawn somewhere?

Just... wow. There are no words.

Random Human Running For President #6: Bill Richardson (D-NM)

"Representing the Democrats, from Santa Fe, New Mexico, number 47, Billlllllll Richardsoooooonnnnnnn!"

WHY BILL WILL BE ELECTED: He's the only Hispanic Governor, so he's got that vote all to himself. He's also a former ambassador to the U.N. under Clinton, serving in 1997-1998, after which he became the Secretary of Energy. So this wouldn't be his first trip to Capitol Hill.

WHY HE WON'T: He's fairly bull-headed- when the camera's off, he's likely to ignore dissent and just go ahead with whatever it is he's planning. He's also got a VERY bad reputation in New Mexico, so he might just lose his home state.

LEGACY SO FAR: UN Ambassador. Secretary of Energy. Declared state of emergency at the New Mexico/Mexico border to combat immigration. That should give you enough of an idea: foreign policy, energy, immigration.

CAMPAIGN SKELETON IN CLOSET: From Wikipedia: "The Albuquerque Journal reported on June 12 2005, that a New Mexico State Auditor concluded the Governor used Enron type accounting after his adminstration "circumvented the Legislature and proper accounting procedures when it opened the office in 2004 because it used money intended for the Taxation and Revenue Department to pay for the governor's Albuquerque digs." The Governor had allegedly opened an office in Albuquerque five minutes from the airport to meet with potential out of state donors for his 2008 Presidential campaign without inconveniencing them with the two hour round trip to Santa Fe." Oh, that is gonna smart. (And he personally shook Saddam Hussein's hand in 1995, which you just KNOW is going to pop up in an attack ad.)

AND WHAT WILL RICHARDSON POINT TO?: He'll be running ads flaunting the fact that he cut taxes in New Mexico, and that he made New Mexico the first state to give active National Guardsmen life insurance. He supports the troops! (Like, you know, everyone else in Washington. Just once I'd like to see a Congressperson say that they DON'T support the troops. Just come out and say "You know what? F*** the troops. They're cannon fodder. Hell, we can always recruit more." Because I always like to see someone's political career implode right before my very eyes.)

PRESIDENT RICHARDSON?: He's never gone up against a serious opponent as an incumbent (he acted as a Sacrificial Lamb in the 70's against a longtime incumbent and former Dept. of Interior Secretary), so the road to Washington will be a pretty rude awakening for Bill. He's a dark horse to get out of the primaries, but I wouldn't bet on it. And even if he does, his opponents will simply have too much ammunition to use on him.

Skip Bayless Eats Babies

Over the past few weeks, the Road from Bristol (http://www.bravesbeat.com/bravesjournal/bristol/) has been trying to determine the worst personality on ESPN through a March Madness-style bracket. They've just cut it down to two, Skip Bayless and Stuart Scott. You can tell who I've been voting for. Scott easily handled Tony Reali (AKA 'Stat Boy'), who benefited from a weak schedule and Dan LeBatard shooting himself in the foot, while Bayless barely sneaked past Stephen A. Smith after demolishing the rest of his schedule. So head on over and vote when they get the finals up and running.

As for here, expect another Random Human Running for President in the near future.

Random Human Running For President #5: Rebecca Rotzler (G-NY)

In the spirit of previewing everyone in the interest of voter awareness, we're doing third parties in this space as well as the Dems and Reps. You run, you get a once-over. Simple as that.

"Representing the Green Party, from New Paltz, New York, number 11, Rebeccaaaaaaaa Rotzleeeerrrrrrr!"

WHY REBECCA WILL BE ELECTED: At a time when THE main complaint among Americans is oil and gas prices, a candidate whose party platform favors alternative energy is going to get some serious looks. In addition, she's of Native American descent- gold in the red states- and she's firey at the mike, a common trait among third parties.

WHY SHE WON'T: She's in the Green Party. Thus, money is going to be nonexistent. Also a common trait among third parties. That's why they're called "third parties".

LEGACY SO FAR: Well, it's the Green Party, so... think green. Simple enough. Specifically, Rebecca has mentioned solar and wind power as getting some play, but generally think the whole range of renewable energy.

AND WHEN SHE'S NOT A HIPPIE TREE-HUGGER, WHAT OTHER POSITIONS DOES SHE HAVE?: Now, now, none of that talk. Turns out they were on to something. Rotzler- a co-chair of the Green Party (there are 7)- is naturally going to be a hard-line Greenie. For example, Rotzler supports- and has helped conduct- same-sex marriages in New Paltz. Since she's the only Greenie currently running, you can get a pretty good idea of her positions by simply checking the Green Party Platform at http://www.gp.org/platform.shtml. (It's big, so you may want to pick and choose your own issues.)

CAMPAIGN SKELETON IN CLOSET: Those gay marriages? Illegal when she did them. Hilarity ensued.

PRESIDENT ROTZLER?: Dude. Are you serious? No, really. Are you really unsure whether Rebecca Rotzler, who's currently a local deputy mayor- not the mayor, but a DEPUTY mayor- from the Green Party, will become President? Just in her own STATE, she will get steamrolled by Hilary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. She'll get steamrolled by PATAKI. Yes. She will come in fourth place among national candidates from the state of New York. Failing to medal among candidates from your own state... usually that's not even possible.

Random Human Running For President #4: Evan Bayh (D-IN)

"First up for the Democrats, from Indianapolis, Indiana, number 20, Evaaaaaannnnn Baaaaaaayyyhhhhh!"

WHY EVAN WILL BE ELECTED: In his stint as former governor of Indiana, the state enjoyed a stellar economy, including the biggest budget surplus in Indiana history.

WHY HE WON'T: He's been called cautious, which could also be called 'indecisive' and used against him. He's also got a tendency to be lukewarm at the mike, which isn't exactly going to energize anyone. The gun folks hate him, too, so expect that.

LEGACY SO FAR: Money and how to spend it. As Indiana Governor, he went eight years without raising taxes. At the same time, according to Wikipedia, "He passed the 21st Century Scholars in 1992, which says that to every child growing up in Indiana that is eligible for the free lunch program in a public school, if they graduate from high school with passing grades, and sign a pledge not to experiment with illegal drugs, everyone of them is entitled a full college scholarship to a public university of their choice."

CAMPAIGN SKELETON IN CLOSET: His special-interest ratings on Project Vote Smart show him as big-government, so despite his fiscal-history, he'll be painted as "tax-and-spend". Which the special interest groups also show him as. He's been good with money, but he also spends a lot of it.

OTHER NOTES: This would be Bayh's second attempt at the Presidency- he took a run at the 1976 nomination, which he lost to Jimmy Carter.

PRESIDENT BAYH?: If he was better known, he'd have a shot as he has wide bipartisan appeal. There's actually not much anti-Bayh literature out there- the Campaign Skeleton was extremely hard to come up with. There is the odd guy out there who hates Bayh, you'll find opposition to anything in the world including puppies, but they're not very loud. And he's got a lot of money lined up to make a run. But at the moment, he's too unknown and he's not exciting anyone. He'll need to fix that. In addition, he'll have to contend with the heavy hitters of the Democrats, Hilary Clinton chief among them. It'll be a rocky road out of the primaries, but he'll have an excellent shot at victory if he survives.